what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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