Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
