mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
