I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
