I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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