Will you blow on my dice?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
