My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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