i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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