I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
