just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
