i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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