Little spoons don't ask big questions
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
