so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
