dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
