i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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