i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
