tonight lets celebrate not being married
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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