The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
