Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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