I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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