he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
