dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
