walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
