Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
