I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
