I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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