Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
