Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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