At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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