the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
