I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
