mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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