cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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