you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
