It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
