my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
