Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
