we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You ruined the universe
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
