peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
