Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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