Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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