The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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