took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
