The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
