in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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