Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
