it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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