i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
