Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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