I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
